Category Archives: Self Awareness

Where

When you wonder where the years went, and then you realize how old you sound when you say it out loud and you’re only 23.  Then you realize, “Wow, I’m 23.  Where have I been?  Where am I going?  What have I done?”  And then you realize, “I’ve been nowhere, gone in circles, and done nothing.”

It sounds like a tiny voice inside your head screaming so softly that all you can feel is the vibrations rattling your skull but you’re not sure what the words are.  It’s a little like standing right next to the speaker at a concert.  You can feel it deep in your soul but you can’t make it out.  Is it even really screaming?  Are there even any words at all?

You begin to question everything around you.  Is any of this real?  Am I really even here or is this some twisted version of The Matrix?  Suddenly you think, “Oh my god!  What if I’m actually in a coma and this isn’t even life, but a coma dream?”  You pinch yourself before you realize that how would you know if it would even wake you up?  You’ve never been in a coma before.  You wouldn’t.  So maybe this isn’t life.  Maybe it’s a lie and you just made it up in coma land.  Maybe this is a bad coma dream world that you’ve created and you didn’t even know it.  How would you know if it wasn’t?

Then a song comes on and it brings you a memory but before you can fully enjoy the memory you wonder if it ever even happened or if your mind is just fucking with you, creating a life that never existed.  Would you be able to tell if you were closer to life, or closer to death?  Does death even exist, or did your brain make that up too?  Is anything real?  You wouldn’t know.

You start to look at everything around you differently, looking for inconsistencies that may lie just beyond your eye sight.  You look in the mirror every day for some flicker of change that wasn’t there before but you can’t remember if it was there yesterday.  Was there ten minutes ago?  You look at your walls, your bed, your hair and wonder if they were there before and maybe you just didn’t notice.  You wake up and look for signs of change, but you can’t remember if there are any.

You start to chew over your words because now they don’t sound right in your mouth.  Everything looks the same, sounds the same but it’s not and you can’t tell why.  Everyday molds into another and it’s all the same except it’s not and you can’t explain how.  Your words back up on your tongue and won’t release from your lips but you say them anyway just to see how they feel.  Are they different?  Is today different?  You can’t tell, but maybe.

Your scared.  Are you real?  Is anything real?  How can you tell if your alive or dead or in a coma?  Is this a dream?  If you jumped in front of that moving bus would you die?  Or would it bring you out of the coma?  Or would you get back up and walk away?  Would you be fine again?  Would anything change?  You wouldn’t know.

Is this normal?  Does anyone around you think these things?  Are you even thinking these things right now?  Or is that just the coma talking?  Are you so much more?  Or so much less?  Who, what can you trust?  Is anything real?  Is anything normal?  Are we all bags of flesh strung up in some old warehouse waiting to rot?  Are we flowers stuck beneath the dirt waiting to bloom?  Would we ever know?

Where have the years gone?  Where have I been?  Where have I gone?  What have I done?  Would I ever know?


A.W. – Closure

March 12th was the day you died.  You were so young and intelligent and artistic.  It has been so many years since you left my reality but I remember you as though I had stared at you for an eternity.  Your smile, you’re laugh, your bleach splattered work pants.  I remember all of the emotions I had for you, when I was around you.  I remember holding your hand though the haunted house on 17th and that old abandoned restaurant outside of town.  I remember you as though you never left.

I never told you how I felt and neither did you, but we both knew I believe.  I have to believe that, otherwise I would go crazy at the thought of knowing that I could never tell you.  I still know, so many years late, that I should have, could have done more and I didn’t.  I didn’t place the importance on the situation that I should have.  I betrayed you by not trying harder that night and it eats a tiny part of me everyday.  But I have to belive that you know that.  I have to believe that you know or I’ll go crazy.

I was so young.  We were both so lost in this crazy big world but we didn’t care, at least that’s what I thought until the next day, the day after I should have tried harder.  If I had then maybe you would be here and I wouldn’t be asking myself what if all of the time.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t know until the next day.  Until it was too late.  If I had…

Sometimes everything comes out all at once and it’s hard to push it back down.  I forgive you.  In fact I never blamed you at all.  I pushed everything down for as long as I could because I didn’t want to face it.  I wasn’t sure that I could.  No one understood.  We were all … ambushed and we didn’t know what to do.  I was so young and I didn’t know.  I know now and now it’s too late.  The next day it was too late and every day after it’s too late.  But I have to believe that you know.

I know now and I cherish that.  I hold dear the memories we had.  Sometimes I sit and think when no one is looking and relive those times in my mind.  I believe that you do that too.  I have to believe.  Sometimes I’ll drive passed something or hear a song and it all comes flooding back to my mind all those things from you and me.  The late night youtube videos and adventures.  The Friday the 13th escapades.  All those damn dishes.  The douchey cooks.  The knives in the prep kitchen.

I know that you know.  Sometimes my selfishness takes over and in my head I scream that you come back, just for a minute, just so I can see your face or hear your voice.  I damn you for leaving me here, leaving me with all these questions that I can’t ever ask you.  I scream at everything because I couldn’t save you.  I know that you know.  I have to, or I’d go crazy.

I miss you every day.  I don’t know if this earthly internet signal will ever reach you or if you even have the time you read this in your eternal sanctuary, but I have to believe that it will.  If I don’t…

A.W. – January 27th, 1985 to March 12th, 2007


I’m Disappearing

I knew who I was,

Confident, confused.

Speaking my mind,

Just to be used.

I knew my beliefs,

I trusted my soul.

Although I was empty,

I always felt whole.

I spent my days waiting,

For brighter anews.

Only to feel,

Once again used.

“The future is coming,”

I thought to myself.

Yet somehow my goals,

Ended up on the shelf.

“How do I fix this?”

I find myself screaming.

This isn’t the life,

That I see when I’m dreaming.

The empty’s absorbing,

What’s left of my being.

With every day passing,

I’m just disappearing.

The thoughts I once had,

Don’t feel like my own.

My soul has been hardened,

As if made of stone.

A sister, a daughter,

A wife, and a friend.

A beginning to something,

That won’t see an end.

I question my choices,

Second guess my decisions.

I’ve lost all my purpose,

Abandoned my missions.

Of the person I was,

Will any remain?

Or will I disappear,

Leaving nothing but stains?


Something Blue

So it’s been awhile since I’ve felt the urge to write and I’ve noticed that recently I am beginning to feel like I’m 16 again.  I feel like I have no real choices of my own anymore.  Obviously I know that I have choices and I’m not sliding back into a depressed state as I have in the past.  Honestly I’m just numb to the feeling.  I feel like I’m stuck in my job, stuck in my mental state, and stuck in the realm of the universe.  I’ve been spending a lot of my time trying to figure out what I want to do with my life; where I want to be in five years and all that jazz.  I’ve gone through all the channels I can think of; the local community college that I got my initial degree at, the city and state employment agencies, even going as far as going old school, and yes, I’m talking about the newspaper.  I was, in no better terms, cock blocked at every turn.

Last week I thought I had had an epiphany.  After working all of my adolescent years in food service and customer service, I thought I had finally figured out my goal in life.  I decided that I wanted to open my own restaurant.  I’m not talking about some big fancy cuffs and tails joint, just a simple breakfast and lunch dive that served local products and great prices with that good ol’ boy feel that everyone was welcome at.  Simple, good food.  I sat down and truly thought about what I would need to do, what contacts I currently have and which ones I would need to make.  I thought about where I would put it and the type of people I would hire and how I would situate my menu.  I even thought about the financial aspect and who I would talk to about investing in it.  I had everything all down pat and gave myself a year to get it all on track.  The final step was to tell my husband of my ingenious plan.  So, of course, I did.  He was, to say the least, less than enthused, and nothing has been said since.

So here I am again, stuck.  I’m in the same position that I was in before.  Stuck and unsure of what or where or who I am in a big wide world filled with so many fish that it’s becoming claustrophobic.  Just another fish waiting for something to stick to.


Two Thousand and Fifteen

So here we are, another year down the road.  I figured that I would make a list of my “Must Do’s” for 2015; a simple list of things that I, and maybe you, should remember to do this year to make it more kick ass than last year (hopefully).  So here it goes:

  1. Fuck All The Bullshit! – Remember that, in all reality, no one else or their opinions matter except for yours and your loved ones, so don’t let anyone ruin your day.
  2. Separate Work and Life – Work is the place where we get paid to pretend to be someone else and home is where no one will pay us to be ourselves, leave it that way.
  3. Eat, Eat, Eat! – Food is important in all situations so eat well always.
  4. Love Like a Saint, Fuck Like a Porn Star – Intimacy is important so cuddle and hug and hold hands and fuck like bunnies.
  5. No Make-up – I’ve always hated make-up for the simple fact that it’s fake, so be yourself and go a few days without it, it might just change your entire perspective.
  6. You’re Not Perfect – But then again, no one is and that rocks so embrace it.
  7. Be Cheap – Nothing feels better than having the will power to not buy something that you don’t need, save it for a rainy day.
  8. Say Bad Words – Sometimes a shitty day can be turned around just by yelling ‘fuck’ as loud as possible.
  9. Fuck Haters – I hate the word ‘hater’ but here it works.  Don’t keep shitty people around if there’s no need for them.
  10. Express Yourself – If you’re mad, let everyone and anyone know; that whole ‘keep it to yourself’ crap is why housewives drink and middle-aged men get brain tumors.
  11. If It Can’t be Done Naked, It Shouldn’t Be Done – We came into this world naked and nudity is awesome; ’nuff said.
  12. Get Off Facebook – If you’ve never had coffee with someone face to face then they aren’t your friend, get over it.
  13. Plan, Plan, Plan – The only bad plan is no plan at all.
  14. Speak Your Mind – Say what you mean and mean what you say even if it hurts another’s feelings, that’s what makes us human.
  15. Educate Yourself – If you’re not learning in all aspects of life, you’ve become useless.  and finally
  16. Make Yourself Heard – If you think no one is listening, scream it louder.  We all matter to someone even if we don’t realize it and eventually someone will listen.

So here is my list of “Must Do’s” for 2015.  I think that if I follow these simple rules (although not all are really rules, more like suggestions) then my life will be even better than it already is and maybe some of these rules can work for you too.

Thanks to all my followers and everyone who reads my blog.  I appreciate all the support and love and can’t wait to begin 2015 with all of you.

And in case anyone is curious, my New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is … Drink more RedBull, Shoot more Guns, and Kill more Zombies!

Happy New Year!


Bah Humbug

So I want to talk about myself for a minute.  I know that I’m going to be called a scrooge, a downer, a pessimist, etc. but if you have been reading my blog at all over the past few months you’ll already be aware that I am, in fact, all of those things and damn proud of it.  So now that we have gotten the “I don’t give a damn what you think and say” out of the way, let me get to it.

I fucking hate the holidays.  That’s incorrect, actually.  I FUCKING HATE the holidays.  I have never liked Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved getting out of school for, essentially, no reason.  And (I’m going a little Dr. Phil here) I know that a lot of my anger towards the holidays comes from my quote un-quote broken home, but I do believe I have grown so much from that in the fact that I hate it for so many more reasons now that I have matured.

I used to hate the holidays because I could never afford anything I wanted to get my Mom and also because I knew that it meant an entire work sanctioned vacation for my dad to literally never let the bottle leave his lips or his hands leave our necks (figuratively, of course).  It was a non-stop battle in the household until I could escape back into school.  Once I began working the holidays turned into a jealous servitude for fancy parties and name brand wines and people who were “too good” to cook a turkey ( I worked at a high-end steak house), but even that beat being at home.

That was 10 years ago.  Now, at 23, I have come to realize that everything I hate about the holidays was wrong.  Every year I felt socially and ethically obligated to purchase something for all 12 nieces and nephews as well as my mother, mother in law, brother, and youngest brother-in-law, and also my husband.  The last 5 years I have spent well over $1000 on Christmas, and that’s without my husband’s 5 other siblings or our bosses who we always end up getting guilted in to buying gifts for.

Now I realize I was an idiot.  I don’t like kids and I’m not going to buy something for a child I see literally once a year (which is Christmas Eve at my mother-in-laws even though we all live in the same town).  I don’t even like kids and I refuse to encourage the entitlement of children who are barely old enough to know that they have a dick let alone how to use it.  So why was I doing it?  I don’t necessarily like my in-laws either.  Why was I buying grown adults gift cards to restaurants just to receive the same gift card in return?  How about you buy dinner, I’ll buy dinner and we will silently thank the other and call it good?  Works for me and that’s what we’ve done the last few years.  I stopped buying the kids anything and I don’t feel bad about it.  Now I only buy gifts for my mom, my mother in law, my brother, my youngest brother-in-law (because he’s only 17) and my husband.  It works and I don’t feel like such a tool.  But my hatred for the holidays remains just the same.

I can’t stand the months of November and December when everyone around me, including complete strangers, run around like if they don’t get everyone gifts then their lives are over and acting like everyone is so special and family and love and it’s all bullshit.  I get so upset watching everyone put on this fake “live laugh love” persona that I literally feel sick to my stomach.  It’s the only time of year that half of my family even contacts me and I know it’s because they want a gift.  I know that half of the people who buy me something only do it in order to get something in return.  My husband spends way too much money on me and I end up feeling like shit because my gifts never add up to his.  Everyone ends up disappointed and it’s never what it’s supposed to be.

I hate the holidays because it’s all so fake.  I don’t want to buy anyone anything.  I don’t want to receive anything.  I don’t want to deal with crappy traditions and arguments and credit card bills.  I don’t want to pretend I’m so happy about fake trees and wasted leftovers.  The radio stations play shitty re-makes of Christmas songs that were bad to begin with and my favorite TV shows go away for a month of Christmas specials.  I hate getting asked to donate to some bullshit charity every time I go to the store because so many people “go without” during the holidays.  And worst of all everyone donates to the charities during December because “giving is so important” but they couldn’t even spell the word charity during nay other month.  People kill each other over Tickle Me Elmo dolls on Black Friday and destroy hard drives during Cyber Monday.

I hate the holidays because they’re a sham, a lie made up to make people be “nice” for a few days and to get them to spend more and more money.  Then people go off and kill themselves because they realize that while everyone is busy being nice to others that no one was being nice to them and they get depressed and die.

Santa and Jesus and trees and gift wrap; it’s all a way for someone to make a buck off someone else and then when January comes around everyone goes back to being their regular, asshole selves again like nothing ever happened.

So fuck the holidays.  Fuck Thanksgiving, the holidays that celebrates the slaughter and dismemberment of an entire culture purely because the white man couldn’t figure out how to farm corn or kill a deer or light a fire.  Fuck Christmas, the holiday that celebrates either Jesus’s birthday (a mythical figure who estimated birth was actually sometime in January) or the pagan holiday celebrating the winter solstice, or a bunch of Irishmen setting trees on fire, or the celebration of overindulgence.

I FUCKING HATE  the holidays and it’s justified to me.  I lit my tree on fire, I bought my husband new underwear, I threw out half of a turkey, and I gave a quarter to someone crying about starving kids in Africa.  How will you celebrate your holiday?  I plan to celebrate mine in bed pretending I lit the mall on fire and Christmas was cancelled.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Fuckers!


How To Die Properly

Killing another human being is always portrayed as a lot of blood shed, weapons, and conscience binding memories.  I find this as, really, a huge misconception.  It’s unrealistic to think that killing is purely physical.  I feel that maybe we haven’t really looked into the many forms of murder.  So below I have attempted to truly explain how to die properly without blood shed or bodily harm.

To truly die one must first remove any and all emotion.  No happiness, no sadness, and no anger.  One must become completely monotone in their feelings.  Once this has occurred, the next step can begin.

Next you must remove any and all people who have any emotional connection to the person.  Removing all people will ensure the continued monotony of emotion as well as remove any outside determining factors, similar to doing a medical study.  All components must be controlled and by removing all emotionally connected people the control will continue.

Once all emotionally connected people are removed we can begin the third step, which includes removing hope.  This occurs by removing and ending all possible optimism in the future as well as current.  By removing all optimism the human brain will end hope without any further action needed by the host.  Ending the optimism can be simply achieved by removing all human contact both physical and electronic.  You als can remove all forms of entertainment which will be short work since emotion has already been removed.

The final step is to walk away and let nature do the rest.  Once all human interaction and emotion have been removed the human brain will do the rest, because without emotion, interaction, hope, and optimism, all that’s really left is a moving corpse.  And that’s the proper way to die.