Category Archives: Immediate Emotion

So Here We Are

5 years after High School and I couldn’t tell you where anyone is.  I graduated a semester early, but my friends were already long gone.  I don’t use social media other than this blog, which I don’t consider to be social media really.  It’s just a way for me to get my words in front of someone else’s eyes.  Regardless, by 2009 my friends had been gone for a while.  Rehab, jail, dead.  That was my Christmas card list.  Reformatory establishments and government postal codes.  Andrew died without my good-bye and I resent myself for that every day and I know that he knows that.  Micah was sent to rehab where he graduated college before any of us had even applied to one.  I’ve been told he’s in Cali now, but in this great big world who could know.  Cameron fell behind the pipe and although I saw him recently he had no idea who I even was; blinded by chemical smoke.  Erin stayed behind and turned into a person I couldn’t and wouldn’t know in some fancy University in some new place forever away from me.  Michael joined the military and disappeared into the blue.  Chris (Michael) was arrested and sentenced and moved from one penitentiary to another until he was just a lost orange number.

5 years after High School and I have no idea where we all went or how we got there.  I did things I swore I never would and I’m so happy that I did.  I didn’t do things that I swore I would, and maybe I’m happy about that too.  Once in a while when I’m feeling nosey I’ll google one of them to see where they may have wound up, but I never search for long.  Ooccasionally I wonder if they are google-ing me, or if they wonder where I am or what I’m doing.

5 years after High School and I’m still singing the same songs and wearing the same clothes.  I’m still thinking similar thoughts and re-living times past and I wonder if anyone else is doing the same.  I wonder if they know I miss them and I wonder if they miss me.

5 years after High School and look how it turned out, just like we all swore it wouldn’t.

“Time will never let go of me, time has never felt so lonely.” – Boyhitscar


The Truth Is…

…I don’t care.  I have finally come to a point in my life and I am happy.  I am getting older physically and mentally.  I am becoming more aware of the life around me.  I am seeing life through unclouded eyes and I understand what is important to me and what I care about.  I am full of curiosity and knowledge about what is my life and where it is going and where it will end.  I know I am getting older; my face shows it every day.  My back slouches a little more and my scowl line in my forehead becomes more distinct.  My eyes get worse and my nails get shorter.  The sun burns more and the wind stings harder.  I see the worlds problems more clearly and I know the answers.  I can fix anything that breaks in front of me and I can break anything in working order.  I am getting older mentally and physically and I see it everyday, but I’m ok with it.  I know that I will die, probably later than sooner.  I will miss the opportunities to tell those around me what I truly think of them.  I will forget the important messages to pass on to others.  I will remember too late the facts that I have created.  I will remember too soon the scrapes and bruises that left scars unable to be erased.  But I am happy.

Life is too miniscule to waste on meaningless facts that, in the end, don’t mean anything.  Life doesn’t matter because all we are doing each day that we wake up is dying.  Every day we die a little more.  Every day we learn to live a little more.  Death is life and without either all we are doing is taking up space.

I am happy because if life doesn’t matter then nothing matters and that’s just one more day to fill with enjoyable and meaningless moments.  If I’m going to die, I’m going to make a mockery of it because, why the hell not?  The truth is that nothing matters, in the end, so let’s make meaningless memories with meaningless laughs and meaningless scars that with remind us of the meaningless lives we will one day leave behind forever.  Nothing matters so let’s make some funny faces and flip the bird in every picture and start some fires under the asses of every uptight fuck that tells you this is important.  Let’s have some fun because the truth is that we are all dying every day that we take another breath.  Fuck the sadness, fuck the memories, and fuck the rules.  Let’s fight the time clock and punch pretty in the face.  Let’s cause havoc and start fires and break rules and stain this world red.  We’re all dying, so let’s start living like it, because the truth is … there are no truths, only what we create, so let’s create happy and fuck everything else!

Depressed? Nah, Not Me

I used to be  a fairly happy kid.  I had my bad days, but didn’t we all?  I used to be excited to see people and go out.  I used to be happy to wake up and see what the day would bring.  When I got down, I’d sit in my room in the dark and listen to music and let it all fade away.

When I graduated high school, I had high hopes that I would get my degree and be more than what my little town had to offer, but lo and behold I was wrong.

I got down. So down, in fact, that I got mean.

I’ve been mean for so long that I no longer remember what I used to be like, and it’s only recently come to my attention that others don’t either.

I’m done being down.  I’m done being a person that I don’t want to be.  I’m done being sad and angry and pissed off with nothing to show for it.

So, as they say, I’m taking my lemons and making lemonade.

I’m turning my anger, my frustration, my disappointment in life into something I can be proud of.

So to those who said no, Fuck You.

To those who said can’t, Fuck You.

To those who said wait, Fuck You.

And to those who said never, Fuck You.

I’m done with you and your negative responses to my negative attitude because two negatives make a positive and I’m positive I’m done with you.

I’m done being down and out, and yes, not only will I cut off my nose to spite my face, I will poison myself to kill you.

I will rise no matter how much cream I have to drown to get there.

I’m not depressed, I’m done.

The Eye of the Beholder

I have an Associates Degree in Arts and Humanities.  I don’t want to quit smoking, but I’m trying anyway.  I don’t like to wear make up, but I do occassionally because I pretend I want to be pretty.  I cut my hair but I like it better long.  I feel manly when I keep it short, but when it’s long I just tie it back every day.  I press and dry clean clothing but I know I’m worth more intelligently so I don’t try very hard anymore.  I pretend that I don’t ever cry, but I choke the tears down more than I’d ever admit.  I say I’d do it, but I wouldn’t promise when the time comes.  I act like I don’t care, but I’m never careless.  I plan.

He has no education, literally.  He quit smoking and he wanted to.  He doesn’t try, but they love him anyway.  He’s losing his hair, but they run to him.  He drives and because he wants to he actually tries.  He never says he’d do it, but when the time comes he would.  He’s careless.  He never plans.

I’m so clumsy that I’ve never caught a break, but I’m pretty good at missing them.  I’m so angry that I fight off the unwanted attention that I secretly crave.  I’m so proud that I’ll blame anyone for everything.  I’m so tired that I refuse to sleep.  I’m so thin that I can’t stop eating.  I’m so sad that I’m angry.  I’m so angry that I’m sad.  I’m so numb that I’m blind. 

I’ve tried so hard until I can’t care enough to do so anymore.  I’ve cared so much until I can’t try to do so anymore.  I’ve given until I’ve been forced to take. 

I’ve broken and rebuilt and crumbled again.  Am I pretty?  Am I smart?  Am I nice?  Am I anything anymore?

I’m Quitting

I’m a smoker.  I don’t want to quit, as the title may suggest.  A new “vapor” place opened up in my town awhile back and my friend as well as my husband (both smokers) wanted to go in. 

The point of the vapor pen is to simulate smoking while still giving the body nicotine without the harsh chemicals found in cigarettes.  It’s flavored to make it taste good for whatever reason.

In the past I’ve tried all of the electronic smoking tools in order to quit, but not only was my head not in it, they all ether made me sick or tasted like shit.  They had never worked in the past and more often than not made me feel light-headed and physically sick.

These vapor pens were different.  Although I didn’t want to quit, the others did so I figured what the hell?  I’ll give it a try.  I smoke right around a pack a day so I was set up with the right nicotine ratio and sent on my way.  I spent the entire Memorial Day weekend not smoking.  I had specifically informed the shop that I work in a very hot and humid environment and my main concern was light headedness.  I was assured that this was different and wouldn’t occur.

3 days without a smoke was better than I had ever done.  I felt proud of myself even though I still wasn’t planning on quitting permanently.  On day 4 I went back to work, excited that I was on my way to not smoking. 

As always though, my luck ran out when the heat began to rise and my head became so light that I thought I was going to pass out.  I then decided fuck it, I wanted a real cigarette, so I proceeded to have one.

Unfortunately, my previously delicious lung killing smoke tasted like shit.  More like the first one I’d ever had than the yummy stick I had puffed on only 4 days prior.  It made me feel just as bad as the vapor pen did.

So now I was left at work in 100 degree heat with a light head and a bad taste in my mouth with the screaming monkey still on my back.  So what now?  I can’t smoke, I can’t “vape”, and I can’t kill the urge for some form of nicotine.

My husband says that it’s fine, I can just go back to smoking, but in my experience one smoker households don’t last.  And how can I not feel bad for spending money on something so useless while my husband tries to save?  I become the bad guy, unhappy in either situation.

Oh, to smoke, or not to smoke?  That is the question I have been faced with in this lose-lose situation, and although to many of you it may sound ridiculous, smoking has been there for me for over 8 years.  It’s like a best friend, always there when you have a bad day or need to calm down or chill out.  It’s almost like telling your best friend to fuck off.  It’s a part of my life and has been for so long, how can I walk away from it?  I know it’s bad for my health, but we all go when we’re supposed to.  I believe that we are taken when we are meant to go and what I do in this life won’t change when I’m meant to go, so I might as well enjoy it while I’m here, and I like to do it with a Red Bull and a cigarette in hand.

To smoke, or not to smoke?  How am I to win?

Those Who Fight Monsters…

Be careful lest ye become a monster. 

I fight monsters every day.  Every day I wake up I stare down the monster in front of me.  It follows me to the bathroom and stares me down in the mirror.  It’s reach grasps at me, claws at me through the glass.  It hisses and spits at me and I close my eyes until it goes away.  It reappears when I get in the car and look into the rearview mirror and it screams at me until I look away.  And then it goes away until I remember who I am again.

I stare the monster down when I re-emerge into the darkness I live in.  When we reunite the monster laughs.  It reminds me who I am and what I am.  It reminds me that I’m me.  The monster takes a swing and for a moment I consider letting it hit me.  Then my insticts kick in and I duck.

I hear the monster in my ear until I fall asleep and then it’s 6 glorious hours until the monster rears it’s ugly head once more.

Everyday I see the monster, and the monster is me.

Escaping Into the Clouds

Escaping Into the Clouds

I love to take pictures of the beautiful skies I whitness in Wyoming. There’s not much to see here in the 9 month winters and overly dry summers, but I can always escape into the skies, if only through a camera lense for a split second before the sun decends into the horizon, lost for another 9 hours of darkness. I can always escape into the clouds.