March 12th was the day you died. You were so young and intelligent and artistic. It has been so many years since you left my reality but I remember you as though I had stared at you for an eternity. Your smile, you’re laugh, your bleach splattered work pants. I remember all of the emotions I had for you, when I was around you. I remember holding your hand though the haunted house on 17th and that old abandoned restaurant outside of town. I remember you as though you never left.
I never told you how I felt and neither did you, but we both knew I believe. I have to believe that, otherwise I would go crazy at the thought of knowing that I could never tell you. I still know, so many years late, that I should have, could have done more and I didn’t. I didn’t place the importance on the situation that I should have. I betrayed you by not trying harder that night and it eats a tiny part of me everyday. But I have to belive that you know that. I have to believe that you know or I’ll go crazy.
I was so young. We were both so lost in this crazy big world but we didn’t care, at least that’s what I thought until the next day, the day after I should have tried harder. If I had then maybe you would be here and I wouldn’t be asking myself what if all of the time. I didn’t know. I didn’t know until the next day. Until it was too late. If I had…
Sometimes everything comes out all at once and it’s hard to push it back down. I forgive you. In fact I never blamed you at all. I pushed everything down for as long as I could because I didn’t want to face it. I wasn’t sure that I could. No one understood. We were all … ambushed and we didn’t know what to do. I was so young and I didn’t know. I know now and now it’s too late. The next day it was too late and every day after it’s too late. But I have to believe that you know.
I know now and I cherish that. I hold dear the memories we had. Sometimes I sit and think when no one is looking and relive those times in my mind. I believe that you do that too. I have to believe. Sometimes I’ll drive passed something or hear a song and it all comes flooding back to my mind all those things from you and me. The late night youtube videos and adventures. The Friday the 13th escapades. All those damn dishes. The douchey cooks. The knives in the prep kitchen.
I know that you know. Sometimes my selfishness takes over and in my head I scream that you come back, just for a minute, just so I can see your face or hear your voice. I damn you for leaving me here, leaving me with all these questions that I can’t ever ask you. I scream at everything because I couldn’t save you. I know that you know. I have to, or I’d go crazy.
I miss you every day. I don’t know if this earthly internet signal will ever reach you or if you even have the time you read this in your eternal sanctuary, but I have to believe that it will. If I don’t…
A.W. – January 27th, 1985 to March 12th, 2007