Sh*t My Family Says…

Husband: When I go to the dentist I’m going to kick him in the knee and tell him “Not today Lexor, not today.”

Me: … What?  Our dentist is Dr. Rhinne.  Who’s Lexor?

Husband: Nevermind.

Me: It’s ok, Mom, I know you love my brother more than me.

Mom:  That’s not true; I love you both separate but equal.

Me:  Umm, isn’t that why the Civil Rights Movement started?

Mom:  This is different, you’re not black.

Niece:  Mom, your son is crying because he bit Nate.

Sister in Law:  He’s crying because HE bit Nate?

Niece:  Yeah … pretty much.

Sister in Law:  You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!

Brother in Law:  Umm … What?

Brother:  I can live on 4 grand for like, two years when I move out on my own.

Me:  So … apartments require a deposit and first months rent up front, plus getting the lights turned on which is at least $40 a month, and milk is like $4 a gallon.

Brother:  Wait … really?

Me:  Yeah, seriously.  You’re 22 years old, how did you not know that?

Brother:  Mom how much is milk?!




About Blue

I'm the classiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. View all posts by Blue

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