Husband: When I go to the dentist I’m going to kick him in the knee and tell him “Not today Lexor, not today.”
Me: … What? Our dentist is Dr. Rhinne. Who’s Lexor?
Me: It’s ok, Mom, I know you love my brother more than me.
Mom: That’s not true; I love you both separate but equal.
Me: Umm, isn’t that why the Civil Rights Movement started?
Mom: This is different, you’re not black.
Niece: Mom, your son is crying because he bit Nate.
Sister in Law: He’s crying because HE bit Nate?
Niece: Yeah … pretty much.
Sister in Law: You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!
Brother in Law: Umm … What?
Brother: I can live on 4 grand for like, two years when I move out on my own.
Me: So … apartments require a deposit and first months rent up front, plus getting the lights turned on which is at least $40 a month, and milk is like $4 a gallon.
Brother: Wait … really?
Me: Yeah, seriously. You’re 22 years old, how did you not know that?
Brother: Mom how much is milk?!