Bah Humbug

So I want to talk about myself for a minute.  I know that I’m going to be called a scrooge, a downer, a pessimist, etc. but if you have been reading my blog at all over the past few months you’ll already be aware that I am, in fact, all of those things and damn proud of it.  So now that we have gotten the “I don’t give a damn what you think and say” out of the way, let me get to it.

I fucking hate the holidays.  That’s incorrect, actually.  I FUCKING HATE the holidays.  I have never liked Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved getting out of school for, essentially, no reason.  And (I’m going a little Dr. Phil here) I know that a lot of my anger towards the holidays comes from my quote un-quote broken home, but I do believe I have grown so much from that in the fact that I hate it for so many more reasons now that I have matured.

I used to hate the holidays because I could never afford anything I wanted to get my Mom and also because I knew that it meant an entire work sanctioned vacation for my dad to literally never let the bottle leave his lips or his hands leave our necks (figuratively, of course).  It was a non-stop battle in the household until I could escape back into school.  Once I began working the holidays turned into a jealous servitude for fancy parties and name brand wines and people who were “too good” to cook a turkey ( I worked at a high-end steak house), but even that beat being at home.

That was 10 years ago.  Now, at 23, I have come to realize that everything I hate about the holidays was wrong.  Every year I felt socially and ethically obligated to purchase something for all 12 nieces and nephews as well as my mother, mother in law, brother, and youngest brother-in-law, and also my husband.  The last 5 years I have spent well over $1000 on Christmas, and that’s without my husband’s 5 other siblings or our bosses who we always end up getting guilted in to buying gifts for.

Now I realize I was an idiot.  I don’t like kids and I’m not going to buy something for a child I see literally once a year (which is Christmas Eve at my mother-in-laws even though we all live in the same town).  I don’t even like kids and I refuse to encourage the entitlement of children who are barely old enough to know that they have a dick let alone how to use it.  So why was I doing it?  I don’t necessarily like my in-laws either.  Why was I buying grown adults gift cards to restaurants just to receive the same gift card in return?  How about you buy dinner, I’ll buy dinner and we will silently thank the other and call it good?  Works for me and that’s what we’ve done the last few years.  I stopped buying the kids anything and I don’t feel bad about it.  Now I only buy gifts for my mom, my mother in law, my brother, my youngest brother-in-law (because he’s only 17) and my husband.  It works and I don’t feel like such a tool.  But my hatred for the holidays remains just the same.

I can’t stand the months of November and December when everyone around me, including complete strangers, run around like if they don’t get everyone gifts then their lives are over and acting like everyone is so special and family and love and it’s all bullshit.  I get so upset watching everyone put on this fake “live laugh love” persona that I literally feel sick to my stomach.  It’s the only time of year that half of my family even contacts me and I know it’s because they want a gift.  I know that half of the people who buy me something only do it in order to get something in return.  My husband spends way too much money on me and I end up feeling like shit because my gifts never add up to his.  Everyone ends up disappointed and it’s never what it’s supposed to be.

I hate the holidays because it’s all so fake.  I don’t want to buy anyone anything.  I don’t want to receive anything.  I don’t want to deal with crappy traditions and arguments and credit card bills.  I don’t want to pretend I’m so happy about fake trees and wasted leftovers.  The radio stations play shitty re-makes of Christmas songs that were bad to begin with and my favorite TV shows go away for a month of Christmas specials.  I hate getting asked to donate to some bullshit charity every time I go to the store because so many people “go without” during the holidays.  And worst of all everyone donates to the charities during December because “giving is so important” but they couldn’t even spell the word charity during nay other month.  People kill each other over Tickle Me Elmo dolls on Black Friday and destroy hard drives during Cyber Monday.

I hate the holidays because they’re a sham, a lie made up to make people be “nice” for a few days and to get them to spend more and more money.  Then people go off and kill themselves because they realize that while everyone is busy being nice to others that no one was being nice to them and they get depressed and die.

Santa and Jesus and trees and gift wrap; it’s all a way for someone to make a buck off someone else and then when January comes around everyone goes back to being their regular, asshole selves again like nothing ever happened.

So fuck the holidays.  Fuck Thanksgiving, the holidays that celebrates the slaughter and dismemberment of an entire culture purely because the white man couldn’t figure out how to farm corn or kill a deer or light a fire.  Fuck Christmas, the holiday that celebrates either Jesus’s birthday (a mythical figure who estimated birth was actually sometime in January) or the pagan holiday celebrating the winter solstice, or a bunch of Irishmen setting trees on fire, or the celebration of overindulgence.

I FUCKING HATE  the holidays and it’s justified to me.  I lit my tree on fire, I bought my husband new underwear, I threw out half of a turkey, and I gave a quarter to someone crying about starving kids in Africa.  How will you celebrate your holiday?  I plan to celebrate mine in bed pretending I lit the mall on fire and Christmas was cancelled.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Fuckers!

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About Blue

I'm the classiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. View all posts by Blue

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