Monthly Archives: December 2014

2014 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 210 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.


Two Thousand and Fifteen

So here we are, another year down the road.  I figured that I would make a list of my “Must Do’s” for 2015; a simple list of things that I, and maybe you, should remember to do this year to make it more kick ass than last year (hopefully).  So here it goes:

  1. Fuck All The Bullshit! – Remember that, in all reality, no one else or their opinions matter except for yours and your loved ones, so don’t let anyone ruin your day.
  2. Separate Work and Life – Work is the place where we get paid to pretend to be someone else and home is where no one will pay us to be ourselves, leave it that way.
  3. Eat, Eat, Eat! – Food is important in all situations so eat well always.
  4. Love Like a Saint, Fuck Like a Porn Star – Intimacy is important so cuddle and hug and hold hands and fuck like bunnies.
  5. No Make-up – I’ve always hated make-up for the simple fact that it’s fake, so be yourself and go a few days without it, it might just change your entire perspective.
  6. You’re Not Perfect – But then again, no one is and that rocks so embrace it.
  7. Be Cheap – Nothing feels better than having the will power to not buy something that you don’t need, save it for a rainy day.
  8. Say Bad Words – Sometimes a shitty day can be turned around just by yelling ‘fuck’ as loud as possible.
  9. Fuck Haters – I hate the word ‘hater’ but here it works.  Don’t keep shitty people around if there’s no need for them.
  10. Express Yourself – If you’re mad, let everyone and anyone know; that whole ‘keep it to yourself’ crap is why housewives drink and middle-aged men get brain tumors.
  11. If It Can’t be Done Naked, It Shouldn’t Be Done – We came into this world naked and nudity is awesome; ’nuff said.
  12. Get Off Facebook – If you’ve never had coffee with someone face to face then they aren’t your friend, get over it.
  13. Plan, Plan, Plan – The only bad plan is no plan at all.
  14. Speak Your Mind – Say what you mean and mean what you say even if it hurts another’s feelings, that’s what makes us human.
  15. Educate Yourself – If you’re not learning in all aspects of life, you’ve become useless.  and finally
  16. Make Yourself Heard – If you think no one is listening, scream it louder.  We all matter to someone even if we don’t realize it and eventually someone will listen.

So here is my list of “Must Do’s” for 2015.  I think that if I follow these simple rules (although not all are really rules, more like suggestions) then my life will be even better than it already is and maybe some of these rules can work for you too.

Thanks to all my followers and everyone who reads my blog.  I appreciate all the support and love and can’t wait to begin 2015 with all of you.

And in case anyone is curious, my New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is … Drink more RedBull, Shoot more Guns, and Kill more Zombies!

Happy New Year!

Free Stuff!!!

So last week I reviewed the new Keurig 2.0 K350 provided to me from Influenster.  Influenster is a site that allows you to take surveys about your daily life, products you use, and your personality and then sends you products to try and review for FREE!  Anyone can sign up and it’s totally free!

Use this link to sign up and start taking surveys to review products for free!  Just use the link below:

I love using Influenster to review products so please check it out!

Keurig 2.0 Review

This product was provided to me compilmentary to test and review by Influenster.

This product was provided to me complimentary to test and review by Influenster.

Today I will be reviewing the brand new Keurig 2.0 K350!  I received this product complimentary of Influenster to test and review.

So let’s start from the beginning: I came home to this baby on my doorstep and immediately had to open it up and try it.  Upon opening the box I immediately noticed that it was damn near already put together.  All I had to do was remove everything out of the box, remove the plastic wrap and tape, and put the filter together.  The filter was insanely easy: all I had to do was soak the charcoal filter for 5 minutes and then insert it into the tube and set the date, which will remind me when to change it.  Then I had to put the filter into the water tank.  I inserted the tray under the spout and plugged it in.  Super easy!

Then I took a closer look at the machine itself and noticed the touch screen.  You can imagine my surprise.  I mean, it’s a TOUCH SCREEN!  How cool is that?  I turn it on and a light turns on the illuminates the water tank.  A very calm notification informs me to fill the water tank, which is easily accessible through a pop off lid.  I put three big cups of water in and the screen then asks what I want to do next.  I begin going through the options and I can set the reminder to notify me when the filter needs to be changed.  I can also set the language, and a few other super cool options.

After all this anticipation I had to try it out.  Luckily I was also provided with 6 K Cups, 5 different types of coffee and one black tea as well as 4 super big K Cup coffee flavors for the carafe.  Oh, did I forget to the mention that it comes with a carafe?!  So not only can this Keurig brew me a delicious cup of coffee when I’m home alone, but it can also provide coffee for those family filled moments that require a hot cup of delicious caffeine for everyone in the house!  I had read on other reviews that people had noticed a plasticky taste when they just ran coffee through immediately, so I opened the top and closed it again.  The screen asked me if I would like to brew a cup of hot water, so I touched “Yes”.  It asked me the size and I touched 8 oz.

I didn’t have great luck with my previous Keurig.  It was a First Gen Keurig that was handed down used by my Mother in Law and every cup tasted off.  It just wasn’t good no matter what I cleaned it with or what flavor I used I didn’t like it.  So I was a little apprehensive about this cup of coffee, but I have to admit it smelled so good.

So I take my first sip and it was AMAZING!  I was so impressed with this Keurig 2.0 K350.

So here is my over all review:  Would I pay full price for this?  Absolutely not!  There is no way in hell I would ever pay over $100 for a coffee maker.  I’m cheap and while I love my caffeine, I love my money more.  I’m not positive the exact number on this price tag, but let’s just say I paid $10 for my old coffee maker and I thought that was a little much.  BUT… if you can find this on sale, BUY IT BUY IT BUY IT!!!!  However, as I said before, I’m cheap.  If you love coffee, and I mean like connoisseur of coffee, then buy this machine.  The flavor is great, the time-saving is incredible, and the ease of use is life changing!

So, in a nut shell, don’t pay full price, but if you can find this on sale you need to buy it and that’s the bottom line.

Again, this product was provided to me complimentary of Influenster for testing and review purposes.  Thanks Influenster!

Bah Humbug

So I want to talk about myself for a minute.  I know that I’m going to be called a scrooge, a downer, a pessimist, etc. but if you have been reading my blog at all over the past few months you’ll already be aware that I am, in fact, all of those things and damn proud of it.  So now that we have gotten the “I don’t give a damn what you think and say” out of the way, let me get to it.

I fucking hate the holidays.  That’s incorrect, actually.  I FUCKING HATE the holidays.  I have never liked Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved getting out of school for, essentially, no reason.  And (I’m going a little Dr. Phil here) I know that a lot of my anger towards the holidays comes from my quote un-quote broken home, but I do believe I have grown so much from that in the fact that I hate it for so many more reasons now that I have matured.

I used to hate the holidays because I could never afford anything I wanted to get my Mom and also because I knew that it meant an entire work sanctioned vacation for my dad to literally never let the bottle leave his lips or his hands leave our necks (figuratively, of course).  It was a non-stop battle in the household until I could escape back into school.  Once I began working the holidays turned into a jealous servitude for fancy parties and name brand wines and people who were “too good” to cook a turkey ( I worked at a high-end steak house), but even that beat being at home.

That was 10 years ago.  Now, at 23, I have come to realize that everything I hate about the holidays was wrong.  Every year I felt socially and ethically obligated to purchase something for all 12 nieces and nephews as well as my mother, mother in law, brother, and youngest brother-in-law, and also my husband.  The last 5 years I have spent well over $1000 on Christmas, and that’s without my husband’s 5 other siblings or our bosses who we always end up getting guilted in to buying gifts for.

Now I realize I was an idiot.  I don’t like kids and I’m not going to buy something for a child I see literally once a year (which is Christmas Eve at my mother-in-laws even though we all live in the same town).  I don’t even like kids and I refuse to encourage the entitlement of children who are barely old enough to know that they have a dick let alone how to use it.  So why was I doing it?  I don’t necessarily like my in-laws either.  Why was I buying grown adults gift cards to restaurants just to receive the same gift card in return?  How about you buy dinner, I’ll buy dinner and we will silently thank the other and call it good?  Works for me and that’s what we’ve done the last few years.  I stopped buying the kids anything and I don’t feel bad about it.  Now I only buy gifts for my mom, my mother in law, my brother, my youngest brother-in-law (because he’s only 17) and my husband.  It works and I don’t feel like such a tool.  But my hatred for the holidays remains just the same.

I can’t stand the months of November and December when everyone around me, including complete strangers, run around like if they don’t get everyone gifts then their lives are over and acting like everyone is so special and family and love and it’s all bullshit.  I get so upset watching everyone put on this fake “live laugh love” persona that I literally feel sick to my stomach.  It’s the only time of year that half of my family even contacts me and I know it’s because they want a gift.  I know that half of the people who buy me something only do it in order to get something in return.  My husband spends way too much money on me and I end up feeling like shit because my gifts never add up to his.  Everyone ends up disappointed and it’s never what it’s supposed to be.

I hate the holidays because it’s all so fake.  I don’t want to buy anyone anything.  I don’t want to receive anything.  I don’t want to deal with crappy traditions and arguments and credit card bills.  I don’t want to pretend I’m so happy about fake trees and wasted leftovers.  The radio stations play shitty re-makes of Christmas songs that were bad to begin with and my favorite TV shows go away for a month of Christmas specials.  I hate getting asked to donate to some bullshit charity every time I go to the store because so many people “go without” during the holidays.  And worst of all everyone donates to the charities during December because “giving is so important” but they couldn’t even spell the word charity during nay other month.  People kill each other over Tickle Me Elmo dolls on Black Friday and destroy hard drives during Cyber Monday.

I hate the holidays because they’re a sham, a lie made up to make people be “nice” for a few days and to get them to spend more and more money.  Then people go off and kill themselves because they realize that while everyone is busy being nice to others that no one was being nice to them and they get depressed and die.

Santa and Jesus and trees and gift wrap; it’s all a way for someone to make a buck off someone else and then when January comes around everyone goes back to being their regular, asshole selves again like nothing ever happened.

So fuck the holidays.  Fuck Thanksgiving, the holidays that celebrates the slaughter and dismemberment of an entire culture purely because the white man couldn’t figure out how to farm corn or kill a deer or light a fire.  Fuck Christmas, the holiday that celebrates either Jesus’s birthday (a mythical figure who estimated birth was actually sometime in January) or the pagan holiday celebrating the winter solstice, or a bunch of Irishmen setting trees on fire, or the celebration of overindulgence.

I FUCKING HATE  the holidays and it’s justified to me.  I lit my tree on fire, I bought my husband new underwear, I threw out half of a turkey, and I gave a quarter to someone crying about starving kids in Africa.  How will you celebrate your holiday?  I plan to celebrate mine in bed pretending I lit the mall on fire and Christmas was cancelled.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Fuckers!

Daily Routine

Wake, brush, dress, deodorize.

Socks, shoes, smoke, accessorize.

Red Bull, coffee, start the truck.

Shiver, freeze, kick off the muck.

Vape pen, jacket, lighter, keys.

Can’t wake up; no time to sleep.

Red light, red light, green light, go.

Three blocks down, one more to go.

Work and work and work some more.

Get off work; go to the store.

Bread and milk and eggs and smokes.

Pretend this life is just a hoax.

Groceries, puppy, kitty fed.

Let the wall contact my head.

Cook and smoke and sit and eat.

Shower, towel, sleep, repeat.

How To Die Properly

Killing another human being is always portrayed as a lot of blood shed, weapons, and conscience binding memories.  I find this as, really, a huge misconception.  It’s unrealistic to think that killing is purely physical.  I feel that maybe we haven’t really looked into the many forms of murder.  So below I have attempted to truly explain how to die properly without blood shed or bodily harm.

To truly die one must first remove any and all emotion.  No happiness, no sadness, and no anger.  One must become completely monotone in their feelings.  Once this has occurred, the next step can begin.

Next you must remove any and all people who have any emotional connection to the person.  Removing all people will ensure the continued monotony of emotion as well as remove any outside determining factors, similar to doing a medical study.  All components must be controlled and by removing all emotionally connected people the control will continue.

Once all emotionally connected people are removed we can begin the third step, which includes removing hope.  This occurs by removing and ending all possible optimism in the future as well as current.  By removing all optimism the human brain will end hope without any further action needed by the host.  Ending the optimism can be simply achieved by removing all human contact both physical and electronic.  You als can remove all forms of entertainment which will be short work since emotion has already been removed.

The final step is to walk away and let nature do the rest.  Once all human interaction and emotion have been removed the human brain will do the rest, because without emotion, interaction, hope, and optimism, all that’s really left is a moving corpse.  And that’s the proper way to die.