Monthly Archives: October 2014

Why I Don’t Believe in God

My mother was raised Catholic, as was her entire family.  We never went to church but maybe 3 times aside from funerals and weddings.  I’ve read the Bible, not cover to cover of course, but I got the jist and I have done quite a bit of research.

I don’t understand why people are raped, or why there is disease and famine.  I don’t understand why God would put us through figurative Hell and then ask us to repent the things that we felt we had to do to survive in order to spend eternity with Him.  I don’t understand why He created us just to watch us fail over and over again trying to get to Heaven.  I don’t understand why He would create us with mutations and disfigurements and mental issues in order to fight harder in life and I don’t understand why He would place us in impossible situations.

I don’t understand why humans feel the need to explain His actions when they have no understanding of Him.  I don’t understand why He lets simple beings interpret His words or why He would let a simple human write His words.  If he truly had a message for me, why wouldn’t he tell me himself?

I don’t understand why we as a society need a higher power to guide us through life and why we need someone to tell us how to live that life.  I don’t understand why people feel the need to justify some words in a book and call it God’s Law or why those same people need to chastise me for living outside those supposed Laws.

I don’t understand God or the things He supposedly does or the people who take it upon themselves to enforce Him upon others.  I don’t understand and I don’t want or need to be taught or lectured by blood and flesh who think they know.

I don’t believe in God and I don’t want to.

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So Here We Are

5 years after High School and I couldn’t tell you where anyone is.  I graduated a semester early, but my friends were already long gone.  I don’t use social media other than this blog, which I don’t consider to be social media really.  It’s just a way for me to get my words in front of someone else’s eyes.  Regardless, by 2009 my friends had been gone for a while.  Rehab, jail, dead.  That was my Christmas card list.  Reformatory establishments and government postal codes.  Andrew died without my good-bye and I resent myself for that every day and I know that he knows that.  Micah was sent to rehab where he graduated college before any of us had even applied to one.  I’ve been told he’s in Cali now, but in this great big world who could know.  Cameron fell behind the pipe and although I saw him recently he had no idea who I even was; blinded by chemical smoke.  Erin stayed behind and turned into a person I couldn’t and wouldn’t know in some fancy University in some new place forever away from me.  Michael joined the military and disappeared into the blue.  Chris (Michael) was arrested and sentenced and moved from one penitentiary to another until he was just a lost orange number.

5 years after High School and I have no idea where we all went or how we got there.  I did things I swore I never would and I’m so happy that I did.  I didn’t do things that I swore I would, and maybe I’m happy about that too.  Once in a while when I’m feeling nosey I’ll google one of them to see where they may have wound up, but I never search for long.  Ooccasionally I wonder if they are google-ing me, or if they wonder where I am or what I’m doing.

5 years after High School and I’m still singing the same songs and wearing the same clothes.  I’m still thinking similar thoughts and re-living times past and I wonder if anyone else is doing the same.  I wonder if they know I miss them and I wonder if they miss me.

5 years after High School and look how it turned out, just like we all swore it wouldn’t.

“Time will never let go of me, time has never felt so lonely.” – Boyhitscar


Sickened

So many times it’s been ‘yesterday’,

And too many times it’s been far away, so far away.

And today I’m gonna start to make a change,

And I won’t even lie, it’ll be derranged, just so derranged.

I’m feeling so sick in my time of need,

It’s time that I start to take the lead.

It’s my own dance as I spin and spin,

Out of control but I’m ready to win, I’m going to win.

I’m not ready to walk away,

Yesterday is over, it’s about today.

Sick to my stomach but I’m holding it in,

So sick of failing; I have to win, I’m going to win.