Monthly Archives: August 2014

Wait…

I thought a moment about the next words to come from my mouth.  I didn’t know how to respond.  What do you say?  Something so relentless, so rude.  How do you move from that?  Where do you go?  I just sat there, mouth closed and eyes open.  What could I say?

I didn’t move.  I didn’t speak.  I didn’t do anything.  I just sat there, motionless.  The words just slipped from her lips like honey dripping from a bee.  She was emotionless as if she had done this a million times.  A sociopath with no notions of empathy for the words she had just assaulted me with.

What did I do to deserve this?  What had I done to make this nightmare a horrible reality?  What did I do?

Wait…


Depressed? Nah, Not Me

I used to be  a fairly happy kid.  I had my bad days, but didn’t we all?  I used to be excited to see people and go out.  I used to be happy to wake up and see what the day would bring.  When I got down, I’d sit in my room in the dark and listen to music and let it all fade away.

When I graduated high school, I had high hopes that I would get my degree and be more than what my little town had to offer, but lo and behold I was wrong.

I got down. So down, in fact, that I got mean.

I’ve been mean for so long that I no longer remember what I used to be like, and it’s only recently come to my attention that others don’t either.

I’m done being down.  I’m done being a person that I don’t want to be.  I’m done being sad and angry and pissed off with nothing to show for it.

So, as they say, I’m taking my lemons and making lemonade.

I’m turning my anger, my frustration, my disappointment in life into something I can be proud of.

So to those who said no, Fuck You.

To those who said can’t, Fuck You.

To those who said wait, Fuck You.

And to those who said never, Fuck You.

I’m done with you and your negative responses to my negative attitude because two negatives make a positive and I’m positive I’m done with you.

I’m done being down and out, and yes, not only will I cut off my nose to spite my face, I will poison myself to kill you.

I will rise no matter how much cream I have to drown to get there.

I’m not depressed, I’m done.


Need Feedback!!!!

I have been working on a novel for about a year now and have come to a point in which I think I am ready to begin the publishing process.  Any feedback would be incredibly helpful before I get too far into anything.  I have included the first few pages below and I can’t wait to read your responses.  Thanks and enjoy!


 

Who is this person, Alice thought as she watched the mirror image stare blankly back at her. This is you, dumbass! Her eyes went blank again as she visually interrogated her own reflection. Standing naked in her bathroom she made a mental note of all the imperfections she could see. You’re disgusting! A 12 year old has bigger tits than you do! And look at that belly. Are you pregnant or just a fat cow? Her fingers slowly lifting and pinching and poking all the parts of her body she despised.

“Alice! Get your ass down here! You’re going to be late for school!” Could she be any more of a fucking cunt? she thought as she rolled her eyes at the person in the mirror.

She quickly got dressed, throwing on a hoodie to combat the chill of the October morning. She took one last look in the mirror as she grabbed her bag and headed down stairs.

“What the hell took you so long? Come on the bus is waiting!” her mother growled as she hurried around the kitchen trying to find whatever bits of mind she had lost this morning. Alice said nothing continuing out the door. She saw the lights of the school bus down the block. She knew it was waiting for her, but fuck that! Why can’t you just skip? I mean it’s not like you’re a fucking genius! Let’s be realistic here, you’re not going anywhere. Let’s go play. Alice closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She looked once more at the school bus, then down the alley beside her driveway then back to the front door. Her mother was nowhere to be seen. One last look towards the bus and she headed down the alley.

Good girl, fuck that place. No one there even likes you. It’s not like you’re missing anything there. Alice trudged on through the gravel alleyway not bothering to look anywhere but straight. She knew her mother would be called as soon as the school realized that she wasn’t there. Which could take hours. It’s not like you’re noticeable anyway, Alice. Maybe they won’t even know you’re gone.

She felt her knees start to wobble and she headed to the nearest fence and dropped to the ground. She rested her hand on the fence and felt the coarse grain of the wood. She hung her head low and closed her eyes. She inhaled deep and tried to clear her head. What the fuck are you doing? Just like always you’re being a bitch. Get up! “Shut Up!” she yelled seemingly at no one. What’s the matter Alice? Can’t handle a bit of insight into your psyche? Get up you little bitch! “I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered. She got back to her feet and looked deep up into the pale sky. Her hand still on the fence she gazed at it longingly. A few moments passed and she finally looked straight ahead. She wandered slowly on down the alley, shoulders slumped as her bag hung limp against her.

She reached the end of the alley to the adjacent street. Cautiously she looked both ways before protruding out for the fence line of the alley. Along the street she saw a few houses, mostly older ones that had been converted into apartments. The air was starting to chill more and she hugged her hoodie close to her. Where now? Again she looked left and right. To the right she saw the old houses littered with broken down vehicles and dogs on chains barking at no one, and to the left she saw them get smaller and smaller as they became the business district. You going to just stand here all day and wait for some knight in shining fucking armor or are you going to make a goddamn decision?

Slowly she turned left and began down the chipped and cracked sidewalk towards the businesses. She counted the houses as they became smaller and smaller and slowly more and more businesses intermingled with them until there were no more houses. A breeze began to pick up and she pulled her hoodie tighter around her small body. Few cars ran along the road and she knew that the few she saw held drivers that were staring at her, watching her. You’re 16 for fucks sake. What, you don’t think someone is going to pick you up? Eye you down and decide that you’d make a great sheep? “What does that even mean?” she whispered to herself. Don’t be stupid, Alice. Oh wait I forgot that babies come from storks and love is blind! Yes, blind to the word stop. Unless it’s preceded by the word don’t! Wake the fuck up!

      Alice continued slowly down the road. She had been down it only a few times. Her mother rarely let her go out, although her mother’s many male friends let her do as she pleased when her mother was nowhere to be found. Briefly she remembered walking down this street in search of something, but for the life of her Alice couldn’t remember what it was.

Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by a passing car honking. She saw as it flew passed her the brake lights flash and the car halted. Get ready little lamb. Can you bleat like a sheep? She saw the white lights before they registered and the car quickly reversed. It stopped next to her, the timing of the brakes perfect so that she was the only image seen out of the driver side window.

It was a woman; her skin was white with a yellow tinge. Alice had seen her mother’s skin like this before, but she never knew why.

“Sweetie honey why you walkin’ out in this bitterness?” her voice was raspy and she sounded like she had something stuck in her throat. “Come on baby get it, momma give you a ride home.”

“N-n-no thanks, I have somewhere to be,” Alice said sheepishly. Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!!!!!

“No baby come on get in, I get you somethin’ to eat an then I take you,” her eyes looked dried out, like she had been awake for awhile. Alice noticed that the back seat had a blanket draped over it with lumps protruding from it. The car itself was older, a rusted brown Capris with the old handles on it, the silver ones with the button right on the handle to open the door. Alice stood still for what seemed like minutes silent. Yeah just stare at her because that keeps people away.

“I have to go,” was all that Alice could muster up. She turned away and began walking. Suddenly she felt the snow begin to fall around her, first just a few flakes, then more and more until there was a white dusting on her black hoodie.

“Baby now it be snowin’, just get in,” the lady pleaded and Alice noticed that her front teeth were only half there, and what was left of them was a blue-ish color. Suddenly another car swerved around the car parked in the street and halted right in front of the Capris. A tall burley man got out and half walked half strutted over to the parked Capris.

He looked at the lady, then to me, and back to her. He was wearing sunglasses that covered most of the top part of his face. Do you want to run now or would you prefer the gang bang that is about to obliterate your asshole? Alice couldn’t see the man’s face, but he must have made one at the woman in the car because she began screaming obscenities at him as she floored the gas pedal and fishtailed down the snow sprinkled street. The man then turned to face Alice. He stared at her for a long minute, finally nodding his head and taking a few steps towards her.



Proud Of It

Didn’t grow up in the trailer park,
But I’m White Trash,

Damn proud of it, and I’m making that cash.

Makin’ Momma cry, but I know why, it ain’t how you live; it’s all about how you die.

I could take the time and maybe straighten up, go to church, put on some make up, but it doesn’t really matter; you all know what I mean, ’cause every day that goes by is a day away from your dream.

I didn’t come from any money but my daddy sure did, such a shame he traded dreams for a brown paper bag…

He’s drowning deep in the bottle and every day I wake up is another day that I oughta,

put him out of his misery, thanking me for delivering him to the afterlife away from his shitty life.

It’s just too bad such a public service wouldn’t be embraced, it’d be deserted by those with their claims to fame and their sparkly names with all the glitz and the glamour that they’re blinded to the hammer slamming down on society, reality is it’s just too good to be me, it’s my destiny.

Didn’t grow up in a trailer but I’m White Trash, proud of it, gonna make something outta nothin’ in the darkness it’s bliss.

Didn’t grow up in a trailer but I’m White Trash, proud of it.