I’m Quitting

I’m a smoker.  I don’t want to quit, as the title may suggest.  A new “vapor” place opened up in my town awhile back and my friend as well as my husband (both smokers) wanted to go in. 

The point of the vapor pen is to simulate smoking while still giving the body nicotine without the harsh chemicals found in cigarettes.  It’s flavored to make it taste good for whatever reason.

In the past I’ve tried all of the electronic smoking tools in order to quit, but not only was my head not in it, they all ether made me sick or tasted like shit.  They had never worked in the past and more often than not made me feel light-headed and physically sick.

These vapor pens were different.  Although I didn’t want to quit, the others did so I figured what the hell?  I’ll give it a try.  I smoke right around a pack a day so I was set up with the right nicotine ratio and sent on my way.  I spent the entire Memorial Day weekend not smoking.  I had specifically informed the shop that I work in a very hot and humid environment and my main concern was light headedness.  I was assured that this was different and wouldn’t occur.

3 days without a smoke was better than I had ever done.  I felt proud of myself even though I still wasn’t planning on quitting permanently.  On day 4 I went back to work, excited that I was on my way to not smoking. 

As always though, my luck ran out when the heat began to rise and my head became so light that I thought I was going to pass out.  I then decided fuck it, I wanted a real cigarette, so I proceeded to have one.

Unfortunately, my previously delicious lung killing smoke tasted like shit.  More like the first one I’d ever had than the yummy stick I had puffed on only 4 days prior.  It made me feel just as bad as the vapor pen did.

So now I was left at work in 100 degree heat with a light head and a bad taste in my mouth with the screaming monkey still on my back.  So what now?  I can’t smoke, I can’t “vape”, and I can’t kill the urge for some form of nicotine.

My husband says that it’s fine, I can just go back to smoking, but in my experience one smoker households don’t last.  And how can I not feel bad for spending money on something so useless while my husband tries to save?  I become the bad guy, unhappy in either situation.

Oh, to smoke, or not to smoke?  That is the question I have been faced with in this lose-lose situation, and although to many of you it may sound ridiculous, smoking has been there for me for over 8 years.  It’s like a best friend, always there when you have a bad day or need to calm down or chill out.  It’s almost like telling your best friend to fuck off.  It’s a part of my life and has been for so long, how can I walk away from it?  I know it’s bad for my health, but we all go when we’re supposed to.  I believe that we are taken when we are meant to go and what I do in this life won’t change when I’m meant to go, so I might as well enjoy it while I’m here, and I like to do it with a Red Bull and a cigarette in hand.

To smoke, or not to smoke?  How am I to win?

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About Blue

I'm the classiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. View all posts by Blue

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