Monthly Archives: May 2014

The Eye of the Beholder

I have an Associates Degree in Arts and Humanities.  I don’t want to quit smoking, but I’m trying anyway.  I don’t like to wear make up, but I do occassionally because I pretend I want to be pretty.  I cut my hair but I like it better long.  I feel manly when I keep it short, but when it’s long I just tie it back every day.  I press and dry clean clothing but I know I’m worth more intelligently so I don’t try very hard anymore.  I pretend that I don’t ever cry, but I choke the tears down more than I’d ever admit.  I say I’d do it, but I wouldn’t promise when the time comes.  I act like I don’t care, but I’m never careless.  I plan.

He has no education, literally.  He quit smoking and he wanted to.  He doesn’t try, but they love him anyway.  He’s losing his hair, but they run to him.  He drives and because he wants to he actually tries.  He never says he’d do it, but when the time comes he would.  He’s careless.  He never plans.

I’m so clumsy that I’ve never caught a break, but I’m pretty good at missing them.  I’m so angry that I fight off the unwanted attention that I secretly crave.  I’m so proud that I’ll blame anyone for everything.  I’m so tired that I refuse to sleep.  I’m so thin that I can’t stop eating.  I’m so sad that I’m angry.  I’m so angry that I’m sad.  I’m so numb that I’m blind. 

I’ve tried so hard until I can’t care enough to do so anymore.  I’ve cared so much until I can’t try to do so anymore.  I’ve given until I’ve been forced to take. 

I’ve broken and rebuilt and crumbled again.  Am I pretty?  Am I smart?  Am I nice?  Am I anything anymore?


I’m Quitting

I’m a smoker.  I don’t want to quit, as the title may suggest.  A new “vapor” place opened up in my town awhile back and my friend as well as my husband (both smokers) wanted to go in. 

The point of the vapor pen is to simulate smoking while still giving the body nicotine without the harsh chemicals found in cigarettes.  It’s flavored to make it taste good for whatever reason.

In the past I’ve tried all of the electronic smoking tools in order to quit, but not only was my head not in it, they all ether made me sick or tasted like shit.  They had never worked in the past and more often than not made me feel light-headed and physically sick.

These vapor pens were different.  Although I didn’t want to quit, the others did so I figured what the hell?  I’ll give it a try.  I smoke right around a pack a day so I was set up with the right nicotine ratio and sent on my way.  I spent the entire Memorial Day weekend not smoking.  I had specifically informed the shop that I work in a very hot and humid environment and my main concern was light headedness.  I was assured that this was different and wouldn’t occur.

3 days without a smoke was better than I had ever done.  I felt proud of myself even though I still wasn’t planning on quitting permanently.  On day 4 I went back to work, excited that I was on my way to not smoking. 

As always though, my luck ran out when the heat began to rise and my head became so light that I thought I was going to pass out.  I then decided fuck it, I wanted a real cigarette, so I proceeded to have one.

Unfortunately, my previously delicious lung killing smoke tasted like shit.  More like the first one I’d ever had than the yummy stick I had puffed on only 4 days prior.  It made me feel just as bad as the vapor pen did.

So now I was left at work in 100 degree heat with a light head and a bad taste in my mouth with the screaming monkey still on my back.  So what now?  I can’t smoke, I can’t “vape”, and I can’t kill the urge for some form of nicotine.

My husband says that it’s fine, I can just go back to smoking, but in my experience one smoker households don’t last.  And how can I not feel bad for spending money on something so useless while my husband tries to save?  I become the bad guy, unhappy in either situation.

Oh, to smoke, or not to smoke?  That is the question I have been faced with in this lose-lose situation, and although to many of you it may sound ridiculous, smoking has been there for me for over 8 years.  It’s like a best friend, always there when you have a bad day or need to calm down or chill out.  It’s almost like telling your best friend to fuck off.  It’s a part of my life and has been for so long, how can I walk away from it?  I know it’s bad for my health, but we all go when we’re supposed to.  I believe that we are taken when we are meant to go and what I do in this life won’t change when I’m meant to go, so I might as well enjoy it while I’m here, and I like to do it with a Red Bull and a cigarette in hand.

To smoke, or not to smoke?  How am I to win?



Happy Birthday to Me

Today, I am 23 years old.  Specifically, at 7 a.m. I turned 23.  On May 15th, 1991 I came into this world as an 8 pound 15 and a half ounce ball of crying bloody flesh.  I was cut out of my mothers stomach after hours of useless labor.  Her hips weren’t wide enough to pass my fat baby ass so as a last resort they cut her open and ripped me into this world.

So far, I’ve gotten 4 generic Happy Birthday texts and an email from Taco Johns and one from Funimation.  I got the generic questions of how I’m planning on celebrating.  I’m 23, not 15.  I’ll be having dinner at my mom’s and then relaxing with my husband and my dog and my cat watching 90’s Law and Order SVU re-runs.  I’ll be stuffing my face with goolash and cake (hopefully).  I’ll be planning out my day for tomorrow and thinking of ways to better myself as each domino falls against my favor.  I’ll be spending my day as I would any other day.

I won’t be making any stupid plans to go party or get drunk.  I won’t be running around town blowing my paycheck on gifts for myself.  I won’t be going to work tomorrow raving about what a crazy night I had.  I won’t be acting like a “woo girl” after a colorful night of trying to force my kidneys into failure.  I won’t be doing any of those things.

Today, I am 23.  I’m a college graduate, a full time employee, and loanee, a renter, a wife, a sister, and a daughter.  Today, I am 23.  Happy Birthday to me.  Woo.

Those Who Fight Monsters…

Be careful lest ye become a monster. 

I fight monsters every day.  Every day I wake up I stare down the monster in front of me.  It follows me to the bathroom and stares me down in the mirror.  It’s reach grasps at me, claws at me through the glass.  It hisses and spits at me and I close my eyes until it goes away.  It reappears when I get in the car and look into the rearview mirror and it screams at me until I look away.  And then it goes away until I remember who I am again.

I stare the monster down when I re-emerge into the darkness I live in.  When we reunite the monster laughs.  It reminds me who I am and what I am.  It reminds me that I’m me.  The monster takes a swing and for a moment I consider letting it hit me.  Then my insticts kick in and I duck.

I hear the monster in my ear until I fall asleep and then it’s 6 glorious hours until the monster rears it’s ugly head once more.

Everyday I see the monster, and the monster is me.

God’s Gift To The Road

Picture courtesy of

God’s Gift to the Road




The Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.  The world’s fastest production street legal vehicle.  267 amazing miles per hour.  7 speed transmisson, paddle shifters, matching interior stitching, and 1,200 PS engine power rating.  The tires alone are over $50,000 American and the engine must be limited in order to keep their tires from disintergrating.  $2.5 million American Standard Edition.  It’s truly the most beautiful thing in the entire world.  Pure orgasmic adrenaline in mehcanical form.  My heart belongs to Bugatti.  Always and forever.

10 Stupid Things Customers Say

I work at a dry cleaning business, but I’ve been in customer service my entire life.  Throughout my work history I have heard the smartest and the stupidest come out of people’s mouths and I finally realized that someone needs to actually put them down on paper, or in this case, into the world wide web.

Here are the Top Ten Stupidest Things Customers Say at a Dry Cleaners:

10.  Do you take cash?

I live in Wyoming and work for a local business.  We take plastic, paper, and even checks.  Who doesn’t take cash?

9. Can I get this back in an hour?

Clothing takes 20 minutes to wash at home, and drycleaning is an entire process including the time it takes me press it.  Can you do laundry in an hour?

8.  I need these extra heavy starched to make them FR.

First off FR means Fire Retardant.  Many oil rigs and refineries require their employees to wear fire retardant clothing for safety reasons.  STARCH IS FLAMMABLE!!!

7.  These have a stain in the crotch and I’m not sure what it is, can you get it out?

Just tell me the truth.  You shit or pissed your pants.  Yes I can get it out, but I won’t because that’s disgusting.

6.  Can you clean and press my pyjamas?

It’s a cotton blend pyjama pant.  You seriously are going to pay to have your pyjamas dry cleaned, starched, and pressed?

5.  Do you clean underwear?

Fuck no I do not!  That’s germ warfare and I don’t get paid enough for that shit.

4.  I’ve got brand new shirts that I need cleaned and pressed but I didn’t unbutton them or take them out of the package, is that ok?

The sign on the door specifically says to please unbutton your shirts prior to bringing them in.  I’m not your mother, unbutton your own shirts.

3.  Will you clean these and then fold them instead of bagging them?

If I fold a shirt after it’s pressed, then it will wrinkle.  Isn’t that counter productive as well as a waste of money?

2.  Will you hand iron my shirts?  I don’t want the presses to shrink my clothing.

Not only are the presses not hot enough to shrink shirts for the 5 seconds they are put down, but the pressure and force that the presses exert is so much that fibers physically cannot shrink.  It’s basic science.  If I can’t physically pull a shirt out of my press, it isn’t going to shrink.  Trust me.

1.  I don’t know how many pieces I have, can I get them tomorrow?  Oh and I need a price please.

How can I give you a price if I don’t know what you have?


As a society we really need to think before we open our mouths or we might end up looking like idiots.