Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I haven’t spoken to you in years.  5 years to be exact.  You will never see this, never read my words.  I haven’t seen you since I can’t remember and I’m not sorry for it.  I hate you.  I will probably never speak to you again.  I’ll be at your funeral, just to be sure. 

I hate you for your drinking and for your lack of acceptance.  I hate you for what you’ve done to me, to our family.  I don’t think about you very much.  Every now and then when I want someone to blame.  I do blame you for everything, everything that’s wrong with me, with my life.  I blame you for why I am the way I am.  I am exactly like you.  I hate everything and everyone.  Everything is the fault of others.  I am never to blame.  I am always right.  The difference between you and I is that I handle this sober.  I can’t remember the last time you were sober.  The drugs and the drink made your life worse and you blamed us.

I hate you for everything; I blame you for everything.  I am just like you and I hate you for that.  You ruined me, ruined my life.

You will always be alone, alone with your booze and nothing else.  That’s where we differ.  I have those who love me, those who care about whether I die.  You don’t.  No one will cry when you die.  No one will notice. 

I think often about what I would say, what I would do if I saw you again.  What words I would use and if I’d kill you where you stand.  I think about that a lot too.  I think about if I could get away with it.  Would I use a gun or would I make it slow and painful the same way you made my childhood.  Would I take the glory for it or just let you fade away another unsolved mystery?  I guess I think about you more than I’d like to admit.

I hate you because I still let you control my life.  You are in everything I do and I hate it.  You are always in the back of my mind and you will be until the day you die.  I hate you because I am you and I never even had a chance.  I was ruined before I could walk away.  I was ruined because I came from you.  I didn’t make the mistake, I was the mistake.

I hate you.  I hate everything about you.  But I have hope, hope that one day I won’t ever be you.  One day I will be so much more and you will always be nothing. 

I hate you and I hope you know that.  I hope it kills you every day. 

Sincerely,

The Daughter That Wasn’t Good Enough

Advertisements

About Blue

I'm the classiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. View all posts by Blue

Think before you speak...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: