Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I haven’t spoken to you in years.  5 years to be exact.  You will never see this, never read my words.  I haven’t seen you since I can’t remember and I’m not sorry for it.  I hate you.  I will probably never speak to you again.  I’ll be at your funeral, just to be sure. 

I hate you for your drinking and for your lack of acceptance.  I hate you for what you’ve done to me, to our family.  I don’t think about you very much.  Every now and then when I want someone to blame.  I do blame you for everything, everything that’s wrong with me, with my life.  I blame you for why I am the way I am.  I am exactly like you.  I hate everything and everyone.  Everything is the fault of others.  I am never to blame.  I am always right.  The difference between you and I is that I handle this sober.  I can’t remember the last time you were sober.  The drugs and the drink made your life worse and you blamed us.

I hate you for everything; I blame you for everything.  I am just like you and I hate you for that.  You ruined me, ruined my life.

You will always be alone, alone with your booze and nothing else.  That’s where we differ.  I have those who love me, those who care about whether I die.  You don’t.  No one will cry when you die.  No one will notice. 

I think often about what I would say, what I would do if I saw you again.  What words I would use and if I’d kill you where you stand.  I think about that a lot too.  I think about if I could get away with it.  Would I use a gun or would I make it slow and painful the same way you made my childhood.  Would I take the glory for it or just let you fade away another unsolved mystery?  I guess I think about you more than I’d like to admit.

I hate you because I still let you control my life.  You are in everything I do and I hate it.  You are always in the back of my mind and you will be until the day you die.  I hate you because I am you and I never even had a chance.  I was ruined before I could walk away.  I was ruined because I came from you.  I didn’t make the mistake, I was the mistake.

I hate you.  I hate everything about you.  But I have hope, hope that one day I won’t ever be you.  One day I will be so much more and you will always be nothing. 

I hate you and I hope you know that.  I hope it kills you every day. 


The Daughter That Wasn’t Good Enough


About Blue

I'm the classiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. View all posts by Blue

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