There is a point when I no longer can control the monster inside. Usually I can keep it locked deep inside, deep down hidden from the world. But there is a limit, and once that limit is reached, there is nothing that can hold the monster down.
When he rears his ugly head, its different every time. Sometimes it’s anger. So much anger that I could tear down anything in my path. The kind of anger that makes me feel like I could shoot someone point-blank in the face for no reason other than being in my vicinity. Other times it’s sadness. The kind of sadness that makes me want to cry until I can’t breathe. It makes me want to just break down and die. It’s the kind of sadness that makes me want to eat a bullet and never think twice about it.
But right now, the monster is rearing its head. It’s making me want to do all of those things all at once. I just want everything to go away. I want it all to disappear. I want everything to just stop. I want to just stop and disappear and go away. I just want to make-believe that nothing and no one exists until it doesn’t anymore.
The monster controls me and there’s nothing I can do about it. The monster is my life. I live by his rules and play his games. I am no longer me, but the monster inside me. I try to control it. I try to hide when he comes out. I try, but one day I won’t. One day I will be gone and all that will remain is the monster. The monster that controls me. The monster that lives inside me. The monster that is me.