I haven’t spoken to you in years. 5 years to be exact. You will never see this, never read my words. I haven’t seen you since I can’t remember and I’m not sorry for it. I hate you. I will probably never speak to you again. I’ll be at your funeral, just to be sure.
I hate you for your drinking and for your lack of acceptance. I hate you for what you’ve done to me, to our family. I don’t think about you very much. Every now and then when I want someone to blame. I do blame you for everything, everything that’s wrong with me, with my life. I blame you for why I am the way I am. I am exactly like you. I hate everything and everyone. Everything is the fault of others. I am never to blame. I am always right. The difference between you and I is that I handle this sober. I can’t remember the last time you were sober. The drugs and the drink made your life worse and you blamed us.
I hate you for everything; I blame you for everything. I am just like you and I hate you for that. You ruined me, ruined my life.
You will always be alone, alone with your booze and nothing else. That’s where we differ. I have those who love me, those who care about whether I die. You don’t. No one will cry when you die. No one will notice.
I think often about what I would say, what I would do if I saw you again. What words I would use and if I’d kill you where you stand. I think about that a lot too. I think about if I could get away with it. Would I use a gun or would I make it slow and painful the same way you made my childhood. Would I take the glory for it or just let you fade away another unsolved mystery? I guess I think about you more than I’d like to admit.
I hate you because I still let you control my life. You are in everything I do and I hate it. You are always in the back of my mind and you will be until the day you die. I hate you because I am you and I never even had a chance. I was ruined before I could walk away. I was ruined because I came from you. I didn’t make the mistake, I was the mistake.
I hate you. I hate everything about you. But I have hope, hope that one day I won’t ever be you. One day I will be so much more and you will always be nothing.
I hate you and I hope you know that. I hope it kills you every day.
The Daughter That Wasn’t Good Enough