Monthly Archives: April 2014

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I haven’t spoken to you in years.  5 years to be exact.  You will never see this, never read my words.  I haven’t seen you since I can’t remember and I’m not sorry for it.  I hate you.  I will probably never speak to you again.  I’ll be at your funeral, just to be sure. 

I hate you for your drinking and for your lack of acceptance.  I hate you for what you’ve done to me, to our family.  I don’t think about you very much.  Every now and then when I want someone to blame.  I do blame you for everything, everything that’s wrong with me, with my life.  I blame you for why I am the way I am.  I am exactly like you.  I hate everything and everyone.  Everything is the fault of others.  I am never to blame.  I am always right.  The difference between you and I is that I handle this sober.  I can’t remember the last time you were sober.  The drugs and the drink made your life worse and you blamed us.

I hate you for everything; I blame you for everything.  I am just like you and I hate you for that.  You ruined me, ruined my life.

You will always be alone, alone with your booze and nothing else.  That’s where we differ.  I have those who love me, those who care about whether I die.  You don’t.  No one will cry when you die.  No one will notice. 

I think often about what I would say, what I would do if I saw you again.  What words I would use and if I’d kill you where you stand.  I think about that a lot too.  I think about if I could get away with it.  Would I use a gun or would I make it slow and painful the same way you made my childhood.  Would I take the glory for it or just let you fade away another unsolved mystery?  I guess I think about you more than I’d like to admit.

I hate you because I still let you control my life.  You are in everything I do and I hate it.  You are always in the back of my mind and you will be until the day you die.  I hate you because I am you and I never even had a chance.  I was ruined before I could walk away.  I was ruined because I came from you.  I didn’t make the mistake, I was the mistake.

I hate you.  I hate everything about you.  But I have hope, hope that one day I won’t ever be you.  One day I will be so much more and you will always be nothing. 

I hate you and I hope you know that.  I hope it kills you every day. 

Sincerely,

The Daughter That Wasn’t Good Enough

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Black and White

There is a void.  It’s increasing and expanding and consuming everything in it’s path.  It’s demanding.  It’s a straight line confused in a world of squiggles.  Math is black and white.  One plus one is two and there’s no other answer.  Science is black and white.  Hydrogen and Oxygen is water and nothing else.  Grammer and punctuation is exact.  A comma goes where it goes and nowhere else.  In a world of gray, we’re taught at every educational institute black and white and nothing else.  Black and white answers won’t get you very far in a gray world.  We’re taught that we need to stay in school, go on to higher education, get a good job and raise our credit score.  We’re taught that abstinence is the only way and that right is right and wrong is wrong.  But in a world of maybe’s, how can we survive with only yes and no answers?

I followed the rules growing up.  I’ve held a job since I was 14.  I graduated High School with a 3.2 GPA.  I graduated College with an Associate of Arts Degree.  I smoked pot a few times, but I never drank, I never partied.  I didn’t have unprotected sex.  I never got pregnant; I still don’t have kids.  I worked my ass off to get what I was told I needed to have.  I worked a full time job, lived on my own, and went to college simutaneously to get a degree to better my life.  I worked so hard to be where I was taught that I needed to be.

I have a College Degree in Arts and Humanities.  I work as a presser in a dry cleaning shop for $11.00 an hour with no benefits.  I have searched for other jobs, applied around the United States, to Government agencies, to offices of all shapes and sizes.  My record is perfect, my previous history is impeccable, and my references outstanding.  No one is knocking down my door for my employment.

My friend is a High School drop out.  He smoked pot regularly, drank, and partied.  He was promiscuous and has a child from a birth control liar, because those were the type of people he hung out with.  He went with and without jobs, everything from food service to manual labor, anything that didn’t drug test.  Within the last 3 years he has been offered more jobs than I can count that lead to him receiving his CDL B license.  It has gotten to the point that he doesn’t even have to be present to be offered a job.  He is offered positions that vary from driving to construction to body modification apprenticeships.  He currently works for a Lumber Company as a driver making $14.00 an hour with full benefits.

In a gray world, I chose black and white to get to where I am.  Unfortunately I believed the people I was told I could trust.  I did what I was told.  Because of that I failed and don’t have too many ways to crawling up from the hole I pounded myself into.  My friend took the gray way, ignoring everything that the “trustworthy” people told him.  He is succeeding.

How can black and white cause so much trouble when it’s all we are ever taught?  I did what I was told to do.  I did everything right and yet I got the shit end of the stick.  My friend didn’t do anything he was supposed to, he did it all “wrong”.  He’s on his way to success.

In a gray world, I was a little too black and white and that’s something that will never wash off.


Lost in the Fog

Lost in the Fog

My favorite place in the world to be is lost in the fog, surrounded by gloomy trees and absent light.


Escaping Into the Clouds

Escaping Into the Clouds

I love to take pictures of the beautiful skies I whitness in Wyoming. There’s not much to see here in the 9 month winters and overly dry summers, but I can always escape into the skies, if only through a camera lense for a split second before the sun decends into the horizon, lost for another 9 hours of darkness. I can always escape into the clouds.


Load it, Cock it, Point it, Pull the Trigger

 


I’m an advocate for gun rights.  I believe that every American (note that I said American, not person living in America) has the right to own a gun and protect themselves.  I own a Ruger .357 Snub Nose Revolver.  I carry it in my purse or on my person at all times.  I have many reasons as to why I choose to carry.

I weigh 105 lbs.  I’m 5’8″ so that’s pretty skinny.  I am realistic.  I know that if a regular sized man tried to attack me, I wouldn’t stand a chance.  I know that, in all reality, if anyone tried anything I wouldn’t stand a chance.  I value my life and the lives of my family members more than I do anything else.  I have been shooting since I was a small child and I frequent the local shooting range.  I’m no senior marksmen and not to toot my own horn, but my accuracy will take you down before you knew I had my gun out.

I’ve never had to shoot anyone, nor have I ever had to even pull my gun on someone.  If the need ever arrises, I will be ready, and I won’t hesitate to pull the trigger.

I know that many people are frightened of guns, really any weapons.  I know that a lot of people don’t agree with guns based on the recent shootings, stabbings, etc. that seem to be dominating the news every night.  And this may sound over done, but had anyone on the scene of these events been armed, maybe a lot of people would be alive today.

I also believe that, in the event of a major disaster, such as world-wide degradation, I have the upper hand among many others who choose not to use/own weapons.  Basically said, if the world goes to hell and I need food, and you have food and no weapons, I will shoot you to take your food.  It’s the simple survival of the fittest scenario.

I believe that everyone should have the right to decide whether or not they own a gun.  (Except in cases of mental illness or defect or in cases of felonious stalking/violence/etc.)

Everyone has the right to protect themselves in their own way.  I choose to carry.  I choose not to be the victim.  I choose my 2nd Amendment Right.

Everyone has their own opinion on this highly controversial topic.  However, if you do not believe in anyone owning guns, then don’t cry when your house gets broken into, your wife raped, your children killed, and you watching because you can’t kill the predator.

I will protect myself any way necessary.  If anyone tries to threaten my life, they will find themselves staring down a loaded .357, and I won’t hesitate to pull the trigger.


 


We Die

A short post.  Not a post really, more of a question for all to consider.

We all die, so what does it matter what we do, when in the end, nothing really matters anyway?”

 


I’m Always Wrong

Every decision I make I double check and question myself.  I never know if I’m making the right decisions, whether it’s what bills to pay when or if I should really buy those shoes, or even if I want a burger or a chicken sandwhich.  It gets to a point where I can’t even decide to eat or drink without having a mental deliberation on if it’s the right thing to do.  And even if I think I’m doing the right thing, I always think I should have done the opposite after the fact.  Does anyone else ever have these feelings or thoughts or this insanity ruling their lives as it does mine?  Is there some group of people who experience the things that I do somewhere in the world?  Or am I a lone anomaly to this incessant rambling in my mind?  Will I ever know if I’m making the right choice?  I’m 22, a month from being 23.  I should be able to handle ordering at a restaurant, but I can’t even do that without a mental debate.

Sometimes I feel like I’m from another planet.  I didn’t even feel this way when I was 16.  I was more stable at 16 than I am at almost 23.  Is there something wrong with me?  Will I ever go back to being the all-knowing, presistent, self assured ass kicker that I used to be?  Or am I destined to a life of self questioning and pent up anger and missed opportunties and actions?

Will I ever be right?  Or will this nightmare of life continue until my time finally comes to an end?