Why Am I?

“What the hell is wrong with me?  My mom and dad weren’t perfect but still you don’t hear no crying ass bitching from me, like there seems to be on everybody’s CD.”


Nature vs. Nurture.  Was I made this way by my parents or my environment?  Really the question is skewed.  Most of the people who chose to argue either of these points are the religious types, all biblical and Jesus Christ.  The good book says that we are created in His image.  Therefore, would the answer not be neither?  According to that philosophy, aren’t we predestined to be who we turn out to be?  A meaning for everything and it all happening for a reason?  By that logic, no matter how I turn out, I’m in God’s image, so it should be all good, right?  I mean, serial killer, pedophile, mass murderer, rapist, thief, vandal, it’s all in God’s image, so does that make him all of these things?  Or does that fall into the Free Will category that was given to human life by the Devil himself, always whispering in our ear to ask questions and deny what we can’t see?  So, although I’m in God’s image, I have the Devil’s free will to guide myself through this life making choices to create the monster in me.  In God’s Image we don’t have free will, so does that make God the one who has no free will either?  It was His doing to create us in His image, which does not include free will, so therefore he has no free will either.  Who does He answer to?  The Devil gave us free will, temptation, and that beautiful thing called rock n’ roll music.  I guess maybe I’m just over analyzing the system of beliefs that are based on fictional stories in a very large, old book used to persuade the human race into being decent people.  Then again, I know many decent people who wouldn’t spit on that very large, old book if it was on fire.  Most of them haven’t even read a word from that very large, old book and they seem more kind to society then the sweet old couple walking down those church steps on Sunday giving me the evil eye for … whatever it is that Christians seem to dislike about me.  Judge ye not, less ye be judged.  Perhaps that’s a different very large, old book.  I haven’t kept up on my scripture since the church seems to change its mind on their own beliefs every few years or so to stay popular.  Sort of like the cheerleader who, in tenth grade would never touch a mauve skirt because it was out of style, but can’t get enough mauve skirts in eleventh grade because they’re all the rage in Vogue this season.  I like to think of the Catholics in their good ol’ flat, center of the universe world kind of way, before they decided that the sun isn’t revolving around the earth when science could prove otherwise.  But maybe that’s a little pre-technology for everyone else.  To me, it doesn’t matter why we turn out the way we do.  It’s a simple answer.  We turn out the way we do because of how our brains work.  It’s not Sociological, or even Psychological.  It’s Neurological.  We are computers.  Our brains send electrical surges throughout our body to create every response, every thought, every emotion.  It’s a machine.  We turn out the way we do in the same way that a computer converts a program into code.  If there is a glitch, then the outcome won’t be the same.  Some people need more love than others, while some can function fully on their own at very young ages.  Some people need to be taught with pictures while others need step by step directions.  It’s a computer code.  I process people who need constant emotional support as needy, while someone else may seem them as loving and caring.  It’s our computers interpreting the code we have received.  It’s not the code or the machine that’s faulty.  It’s something in between that sets it astray.  A Mac won’t read the same code as a Dell would.  That doesn’t make one more fucked up than the other.  It’s not that Dell grew up in a broken home while Mac had loving parents.  It’s just how their electronic brains work.  Don’t get that analogy confused with the subject of creation and evolution.  Although I think that both sides to that is bullshit, that’s a story for another day.

The point is that I was raised in a fucked up home with one loving parent and one who couldn’t care less.  My husband grew up with one fucked up parent and one dead one.  My best friend grew up in a loving home with two involved parents.  I turned out fine, aside from a slightly obscure sense of humor.  My husband turned out fine, aside from an affinity for fixing things.  We both have decent jobs, make decent money, have wonderful communication skills, and have created a pretty sweet little life for ourselves.  My best friend, on the other hand, offed himself.  Now don’t over think it.  My best friend had a pretty normal life.  His parent were a little strange but over all the kid was pretty well-adjusted.  He was 23 when he killed himself in his roommates closet.  So this, for me anyway, disrupts the nurture theory.

The other side of that, obviously is the nature theory.  It’s pretty easy.  I grew up in the middle of nowhere on an impromptu farm/ranch/whatever my dad wanted it to be that day.  I didn’t turn out to be a rancher or a farmer or a whatever he wanted me to be that day.  My husband grew up in a trailer park.  Not like tintown or anything, but still a trailer park.  We don’t live in a trailer, nor have we ever.  He sure as hell didn’t turn out trailer trash.  So this, again for me anyway, disproves the nature theory.

Simply put, I think nature and nurture is a bunch of bullshit.  It doesn’t take a village to raise a child.  It takes a functioning set of gears in the child’s head.  If the code won’t process, maybe the kid is just a Dell trying to read Mac.


About Blue

I'm the classiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. View all posts by Blue

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